20 Things More Likely to Happen than CM Punk Fighting 8 Times In the UFC

January 25, 2016

CM Punk just announced that he has signed an eight-fight contract with the UFC. That’s great news, particularly since Punk is 37 years old and will probably make his UFC debut this summer. It appears as though Punk will be fighting into his 40s, and why not? Roy Jones Jr. is nearly 50 and it’s working out so great for him.

Punk is one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time. He deserves credit for taking on a new challenge so late in his career and having the mental fortitude to stay strong in the face of the multitude of haters and cynics out there, most of whom live on the internet or with their mothers.

EXTRA SAUCE: Royal Rumble 2016 Results: 2002 Called and Wants its Storyline Back

But eight fights? That’s ridiculous. He’s never going to fight eight times in the UFC. Brock Lesnar, the former UFC heavyweight champion, only fought seven times in the Octagon and he was someone with “real-fight experience.” Do you know how many times Ronda Rousey, one of the sport’s most active fighters has fought in the UFC? Seven times. She’ll probably end up fighting eight times by the time she retires.  Skepticism looms not because Punk won’t win a fight or two, but because eight fights is a lot of fights, especially for a guy who is 37 years old. But hey, if anyone can pull it off it is him.

But here’s a list of things way more likely to happen than Punk actually fighting eight times in the Octagon.

20. Dana White will step into the cage to fight Tito Ortiz in a Hall of Fame match. If Tito wins, he stays in the Hall of Fame. If White wins, White has to admit Ortiz is smart.

19. The Oscars will get it right and retroactively award “Boyz N The Hood” with the Best Picture Award. John Singleton will also get his Best Director Award.

18. Daniel Cormier will fight Cain Velasquez. These BFFs will throw in the towel and decide they can make a ton of money if they step into the cage and do in front of 1 million people what they do during the week at AKA. Haven’t you heard Cormier say “I train with Cain?” So of course he can beat Jon Jones.

17. Georges St-Pierre will return to the cage and win a close sometimes exciting, sometimes boring, five-round split decision to win back his UFC welterweight title.

16. Ronda Rousey will, in fact, touch gloves with Holly Holm before their next fight.

15. Rounda Rousey will, in fact, shake Miesha Tate’s hand, after she submits her for a third time.

14. Tim Kennedy will win the UFC middleweight championship and then force everyone in the MGM Grand to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance.

13. Cher will release a hit album and sweep the Grammy Awards.

12. In a throwback to the old school Pride Fighting Championship days, the UFC will sign The Big Show away from the WWE and put him in a specialty attraction match with Wanderlei Silva.

11. Ronda Rousey vs. Holly Holm for the Divas title will headline a WWE WrestleMania card, but the winner will be forced to lose to Stephanie McMahon in 32 seconds the next night on Monday Night Raw.

10. Nick Diaz will return to the cage and lose a three-round unanimous decision, all while yelling at his opponent to trade blows with him.

9. Conor McGregor will keep winning titles as he moves up in weight, before realizing that he went too far when he’s standing across the cage from Luke Rockhold, who, of course, holds the advantage because he too “trains with Cain.”

8. Kenny Florian will quit the UFC and FOX and get hired as the New York Times’ new investigative reporter.

7. The UFC will purchase Bellator from Viacom and in two years time every Bellator champion will be holding UFC gold. (See Strikeforce list of champions pre-UFC purchase).

6. The Dallas Cowboys will finally dump Tony Romo and sign Tim Tebow. The Cowboys will defeat the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, and Tebow, because he is classy, will accept the Super Bowl MVP trophy and pray for John Elway, thanking him for setting him on this path.

5. Cain Velasquez will demand to fight Fabricio Werdum in Mexico City in 2018 to prove he can win in high altitude. He will leave San Jose and move to Mexico City to start training at least three months ahead of the fight.

4. Joe Rogan will retire from the UFC and submit Chael Sonnen in a Jiu-Jitsu exhibition.

3. The UFC will follow the WWE’s lead and move some of its PPVs to its Fight Pass network, so the cable companies don’t take half of the PPV revenue. UFC fans will revolt and everyone will realize that WWE fans are more progressive than MMA fans.

2. Conor McGregor will leave the UFC for Hollywood and become Denzel Washington’s sidekick in a successful cop-little buddy franchise. ECW’s New Jack stews at home (watch Beyond The Mat).

1. MMA fans will stop becoming overly emotional and worshipping every fighter who throws together a few consecutive victories and talks a good game, anointing them the GOAT, and realize that when it comes to fighting, anyone can win at any time. Typically, the best-conditioned, most skilled, and smartest fighters win, but on any given Saturday night in America or Sunday evening in Melbourne, Australia, anyone can win a fight. Even a “fake professional wrestler” can win a fight if he trains well, is surrounded by good people, and commits to the sport. Just maybe not eight of them.

Follow Joshua Molina on Twitter: @JECMolina

Follow @MMAHotSauce on Twitter and Facebook. Also follow MMAWeekly.com on FacebookTwitter and Instagram.